Blog post I made so I can tell friends "I did something today"

At 7:30 this morning I woke up to the sounds of someone screaming "Hey, can I come in?!" I went back to sleep. This little anecdote brings up an interesting point. The Chinese have no concept of "Sleeping-in"; they don't do it. I think they wake up at 6:30 in the morning, every morning. Even on Saturdays and Sundays. I think the same person came around at 10:00. Same results.

I'm going to grow a beard. For two reasons: one because I can't wait to have another physical feature that further sets me apart from the crowd and makes me stand out from everyone else on the street; two because shaving every day is killing my face.

I also am gaining weight. Today for breakfast I had four mooncakes and an oatmeal cream pie. Yesterday I ate a whole loaf of chocolate bread, on top of three square meals and half a liter of orange juice. I'm eating like it's nobody's business. At this rate I'll look like Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof when I get back. Tradition! Yada, yada, yada.

"I'll see you in the morning if nothing happens."

The greatest vacation that never was

So I have the next week off from class (it's weird, in China Thanksgiving break is in the first week of October, except it's not Thanksgiving break, it's national Holiday. I'm not sure just what that is). Haley and I were planning to go to Xi'an for a couple of days and see four friends that leave in Yichang. Xi'an is one of four hundred ancient capitols of China, but I'm pretty sure it is one of the oldest. It takes about 24 hours on a bus to get to Xi'an, and it's also the home of the terracotta soldiers, but that's not really important now, because plans for Xi'an have fallen through.

Our waiban casually reminded us that we agreed to go to a "meeting of the foreigners" thrown by the city government on Sunday night, making a trip to Xi'an a lot less realistic. Now this "foreigner meeting" is enticing to me for a couple of reasons. I am 99% sure I know of every foreigner in this city. There are eight of us: five Americans, one Japanese, one Australian and his Brazilian wife. And we all teach at our respective universities. Now I wanted to go to this meeting on the off chance that there is some Canadian hiding in a sewer on the other side of town. Discovering another foreigner would make my month, especially if they were close to my age, but that's probably not going to happen. I can imagine the meeting being Haley and I and a couple of Chinese officials. Our American friends didn't agree to go and have already left town. The Australian and his wife have probably done the same. Kazusan might be there, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I'll keep you up to date on how it goes.

It looks like I'll be spending a lot longer in Enshi for this next week than I had hoped. Which means guarenteed daily blog posts! The inspection has ended, and I avoided the wrath of any state inspectors. Now, I get to relax for a week. Even if it is in my apartment. I'm sad. Wasn't expecting that. I was starting to look forward to travelling. What is happening to me?

"I'll see you in the morning if nothing happens"
(actually it's the afternoon in America, I hope everyone is having a good lunch)

One month?

I don't know if you heard, but China and I celebrated our one month aniversary yesterday. I wouldn't say we are in love. Not yet, but I'm enjoying this relationship a lot more now than I was at two weeks when we almost broke up. It's easier to say "Wow, China and I only have nine months left together." Not to mention that next week I begin almost a week and half of vacation. It will be eight months before I realize it. This time is really flying by fast. Now that I have settled down, I can start to do some good work. Some random observances on why life here is so much more easier than life in the states:

1. There are little responsibilities. I don't have to worry about a car, I only work about five hours a day, and I live by myself with all the luxuries anyone could ask for (ok so the roaches get annoying, but I've also found that with no carpet and a broom, roaches slide across the floor like a hockey puck. Banishing them from my apartment has become fun).

2. Money is not a problem. Not at all, you can feed a family of four over here for a couple of American dollars a day. And I get subsidized well for doing absolutley nothing. Almost everything is dirt cheap. In fact, I can't believe I ever tore apart my car to find a four quarters so I could go to Wendy's and get a hamburger. There is no telling how much money those fatcats are making off the dollar menu. You should see the good food you can get over here for $.40.

I don't know how I'm going to adjust when I get back. It's nice not having to micromanage your bank account everytime you go the grocery store. It's so different from college, all the free time in the world, not a worry on your mind and no drama. But it's not home, and I won't forget that.

"I'll see you in the morning if nothing happens."

Cheating, Parties and Mid-Autumn Day

So this is going to be a massive blog post. For starters, today is mid-autumn day in China. It's a minor holiday, kind of like our Halloween. What do people do on mid-autumn day? Eat a big dinner with the family, eat mooncakes,--they're like pastries with fruit filling, not anything special but still pretty good--look at the moon and remember the story about the moon (so this pretty girl eats some medicine, becomes really lite, and flies to the moon with a white rabbit. That's pretty much the story. I'm not sure what the punch line is). It's a time to have fun. Which made today's classes really easy; yesterday, is another story.

So I have been telling yesterday's class for a week that there will be a Idiom, Proverb and Vocabulary quiz this week. At the start of class everyday, we have been covering one idiom and one proverb for that day. I explain each for five minutes and move on with the rest of the assignments. I told them last week that I would give a quiz today I also said before I started the quiz "No cheating, this means yada yada yada" I wish I had a youtube video of what happened after I started passing out the quizzes.

The class, after I had passed out THREE QUIZZES, started passing around dictionaries like it was a scrabble tournament. They didn't even look at the test before they began cheating. So many people were cheating, I couldn't even tell who wasn't cheating. I wrote down about twenty names of people I was going to fail , before I stopped the quiz and said that I wasn't going to grade it (that or fail the whole class), and it took ten minutes, after the class monitor explained it in CHINESE, for everyone to catch that I wasn't going to grade the quiz and they were wasting their time by finishing it. And even THEN the students got about %50 of the answers right (I feel like that teacher that gives an open book test and then one student fails it, except I gave an open book quiz yesterday and everyone failed, I think I maybe doing something wrong here). So that's my experience with giving a quiz on paper. Probably will never repeat that. Still have no idea what I am doing for a final.

But tonight I got to hang with one of my other classes when they had their mid-autumn day party. Here is a picture:

This is my smallest class. Pretty sweet. I hate to play favorites, but they are so much easier to teach because there are so few of them. Plus they are really cool. Some other happenings:
I think I saw an albino Chinese person today. They were chinese, but they had naturally light brown hair. Plus they were really pale. I thought it was another american, but they were Chinese. One of the strangest things I've seen in a while. I'm ashamed to admit, I stared. Something else, Haley and I were walking to the our apartments when this little boy points us and yells at the top of his lungs "WAIGOREN!" (foreigner) His grandmother smacked him in the mouth. You talk about funny. Adults know that we know what Waigoren means, but little kids don't. So the only people that call us that are little kids. Anyway, another day, another night.

"I'll see you in the morning if nothing happens."

p.s. My class has yet to be visited by any State experts, I hope that maybe I'll dodge that bullet, but we'll see.

The Inspectors

They have arrived.

They have arrived in their black audis with their blue briefcases. State inspectors. This week Enshi Vocational and Technical college is being inspected by the government to approve a massive amount of funding and increase the status of the school one level. The adminstration has been preparing for this for two years. Everyone is on edge, and in a few short hours a state inspector will be sitting in on my class room evaluating my performance.

When Haley and I were walking to class this morning, we ran into our translator who said "The experts have begun entering the classrooms." Sounds ominous doesn't it?

We have been told (of course) to not worry about it. And I seriously doubt that the performance of one twenty-two year old American is going to derail two years worth of work. The administration knows what they are supposed to do, and I don't. So I am going to teach, with enthusiasm. And hope that the inspector doesn't speak English. And what's the worst that can happen, they fire me and send me home? I'm blacklisted from Enshi for the rest of my life? ("Why yes, well you see, there is small town in China that I can never vist again. Those were hard times. I'd rather not talk about it.") I'll keep you updated. Edge-of-your-seat excitment I know.

"I'll see you in the morning if nothing happens"

A funny little anecdote

In on my classes a few days ago we played a game. I call it the lying game, and I'm sure that you have played it before. It goes a little something like this: everyone rights three facts about themselves but one is a lie. The person comes to the front of the class and tries to fool the class into thinking that the lie is the truth. If he or she does, they get a point. Pretty simple, eh? (you would think, but it takes about fourteen minutes of explaining and three examples before everyone gets it, I feel inept cuz I just can't explain this thing clear enough).

Any way, everything was going peachy until one girl writes these three things on the board:

1. I have two older sisters
2. I have never been to Wuhan
3. I have been sucked at the breast until age six.

And the class didn't laugh. Well they did but only a few snickers and not the riot I was expecting. And most of the snickers were from my reaction after reading the board. These definitely are not American schools. Maybe they talk about breastfeeding everyday? Maybe it's as popular as basketball. Who knows?

(It was #2 in case you were wondering)

"I'll see you in the morning if nothing happens."

Sports

I feel that I'm pretty much settled; because for the first time that I have been in China, I'm struggling to find something to write about. I went to a Chinese pool hall today. That pretty much describes that adventure. Chinese pool is the same as American pool, except the poolballs are smaller and the table is a lot faster (is that pool term? I don't know. But you don't have to hit the cue ball that hard for it to go shooting across the table). I, of course, prefer American pool, but Chinese pool is a nice alternative.

Basketball. Let me just say a word about basketball. The Chinese love basketball more than Americans. Well, they love to play it more than Americans. Everyone is always playing some basketball. The girls, the guys; short, tall; fat, skinny. Everyone plays basketball. I'm guessing Yao Ming is the perpetrator of this phenomena; because they love the NBA and they have never heard of the NCAA. And everyone plays like they've been watching the NBA too: no passing, no shooting; only dribble penetration and layups. It's rather funny that a foreign country would love something more than the people that created it.

I'm going to post a picture of my neighbors parrot:

Sorry about the bad quality, but I had to lean out of a windowsill to get this photo. Don't ask me why I took it; I guess I was bored. These blog posts will get more interesting. I promise.

"I'll see you in the morning if nothing happens."

The newest member of the family

I went out last night and spent a couple of yuan on a guitar. I think I've already played more guitar today than I have in the last year. It's crazy. I miss American music about as much as I miss Chick-fil-a. Now whenver I learn a new song, I get a good feeling. A feeling that never happened when I learned a new song in the states. I'm actually practicing. In addition, last night I met a Chinese guy who had never heard of the Beatles. He also had never heard of my main man JC. But he had heard of Michael Jackson. Thank goodness, I was getting worried. There is still good in the world.

I started teaching the literature class today. It tanked. I'm going to go back in the trenches and regroup. See what I can do to right this ship. I found out today that Chinese students like English poetry as much as American students (I was under the impression that they would like it more; what was I thinking?). And the language barrier certainly didn't help matters any. So granted, I don't know what I'm going to do about this, but I got a week to figure it out.

So I have this friend. Her English name is Lily. Lily is persistent. Lily has also cooked me dinner three times since Saturday (Lily is an awesome cook). Lily meets me after class and eats lunch with me everyday. Lily has cleaned my kitchen, twice. Lily has cleaned my apartment. It's becoming so bad that my students are starting to ask if she is my girlfriend and if there is any interest (no, there is not). Lily is not even an English major (but yes, Lily can speak English). I'm hoping this is Lily's way of asking for English lessons, and that everything will calm down in the next week. Because I'm starting to miss my free time in the afternoons.

"I'll see you in the morning if nothing happens"

MSG and random things

To answer the request of my cousin Jack (and any of you who keep up with the world news) Typhoon Wipha is about seven hundred miles to the east of Enshi. I'm safe from super typhoons.

Some random facts:

In China they sell MSG by the bag. You ever wondered what MSG looks like? A mixture between salt and rice. I'm not really sure why it's so bad, but if everything in America proudly proclaims "NO MSG!!!!!!" I told my friend it was probably best if I stayed away from it. Man, it must taste real good if everybody hates it.

Haley came by apartment after practicing basketball and brought a stray cocker-spaniel with her. I almost got a new pet, but it ran off before I could decide what to do with it.

My camera's batteries are dead.

Happy Chinese National Humiliation Day (I'm not kidding)

Have I got a blog post for you.

I'm about to begin class around ten o'clock this morning, when the most blaring, obnoxious, loud noise filled the entire building. It sounded like an air-raid siren coming from a hundred feet outside. I started to ask my students "What in the sam-hill is that sound?", and no one knew. My first instinct: "My gosh the building is on fire and have to get these kids down seven flights of stares with little to no training, why wasn't I told this might happen?" Of course I went outside the hall way to see just what other teachers were doing, and no one was going anywhere. In my frustration, I spent the next five minutes trying to find someone who could yell (in English) why there was alarm going off outside the building, why it didn't stop, and why wasn't I told about it. The best answer I got was "When people are building something sometimes they make a sound to warn people". And well, I stuck with that. The sound continued (man it was loud), and continued and continued and went on for about forty minutes. All through my class. Which begs the deep philosophical question:

"How do you teach spoken English when you can't hear yourself talk?"

I don't know. I spent most of the class retrenching trying to find something in my workbook that would require no speaking from the teacher or the students. And then when I didn't find anything (surprise!), I kicked myself for about twenty minutes for not having a backup plan in case a random, blaring siren makes communication impossible in class. Needless to say, I couldn't teach, I lost control of the class and had to spend the next hour (after the siren stopped) trying to gain control of forty-five students who had every right in the world to be talking.

I found out after class from my friend Lily--the Chinese domestic demi-goddess--today is the anniversary of the first Japanese invasion of China back before WWII, and the siren was commemorating that moment. In fact, as I found out later on the government website, today is the first annual National Humiliation Day in China (http://english.mofcom.gov.cn/aarticle/subject/lhsessions/lanmub/200703/20070304464874.html).
Yes, National Humiliation Day. I don't think that translates well, but I'll let it be. I don't know if someone meant for their to be an element of surprise along with Humiliation Day, but if they did, they deserve a raise. If they didn't however, they might want to know that out of the fifty or so people I asked, only one knew the answer. Granted, it was the inaugural NHD, and it will probably catch on by the third NHD, but as far as the first NHD goes, not many people are aware that it is NHD. Except for me, and I'm not Chinese.

"I'll see you in the morning if nothing happens."

Kentucky Football!

It finally happened. I never thought I would see it. There were times where I doubted it would ever occur. For the first time in my life the University of Kentucky has a ranked football team. Yes that's right ranked. That means better than other football teams. That means if you tune into the top 25 scoreboard you will see the score for their game, even if they are playing an unranked team. That means if they ever play on TV it will be the twenty-third ranked Wildcates versus some other team. That means that if an unranked team beats them (and this one blows my mind) it will be an upset.

I have waited for this moment for years. It's was on the (very) short list of things I've hoped to see or experience before I die. Which now include (but in no particular order):

1. Marriage
2. UK beats Tennessee in football

(So I said it was a very short list. Hey, I've already seen the President in person, been to the Kentucky Derby 3 times, ran a mile, and won a State Champion ribbon in banana bread. It's been a pretty fufilling life. Maybe I should add "Go to the superbowl" so people won't think I hold marriage as important as seeing UK beat Tennessee in football).

Oh yea, China.

It's been a pretty interesting couple of days. On Saturday night a Chinese friend of mine invited me to her family's apartment to cook me dinner. When we got there she put on an apron, went into the kitchen and didn't come out for ninety minutes. When she was finished we had a dinner of ten seperate dishes. I thought to myself--while she cleaned the kitchen and I finished watching Mission Impossible III on her big screen TV--"Hey, I maybe falling for this girl" (just kidding, mom). But it was a really good meal.

Yesterday, ten of my students took me on a trek through the city of Enshi. It was pretty sweet. Tha's all for now. No knew spider photos. Sorry.

"I'll see you in the morning if nothing happens."

Spider Watch 2007

Same spider, same place, different night. Except last night I had the pleasure of watching it crawl away. One of the creepiest things you will ever see. I believe it is a giant crab/huntsman/banana spider because they are nocturnal and this one only shows up past dark. They also eat roaches. Which might explain why I don't have much of a roach problem and everyone else does. I think I may tape a playing card or something to the wall just so you can grasp how big this thing really is. Haley swears she has seen one bigger. Probably a tarantula.


More photos!




First sunset I've seen in three weeks.Taken from my back porch.





There is some crazy butterfly action everyday outside of my aparment. I took about fifty photos, this is one that I enjoy. Like most bugs over here, these things are huge. But they're also butterflies and who doesn't like big butterflies? Hope you enjoy this light blogpost.

"I'll see you in the morning if nothing happens."

Resurgam!

Little beknownst to everyone back in the states, I declared Tuesday national "Turn this Ship Around Day" and was stoked beyond belief to tell my loyal blog readers that I, Jonathan Harrison, had a five step plan to cure all misery associated with homesickness and culture shock and that with the help of a Good friend (let's stay hip on the blog jargon) this China experience would be some of the best months of my life, and that I, Jonathan Harrison, refused to spend the next ten months in my apartment not eating, surfing facebook, and listening to depressing Tom Waits (love. that. man.) music until I hopped on a plane next June or died from malnutrition (whichever comes first).


Only to find that my internet was down.


And has been down for three days. Being that my last blog post was kind of a downer, it is with great pleasure I say:

"I'M STILL ALIVE!"

With that being said, I have a myriad of topics to discuss. Almost one for every day the internet was down (so three).

1. Long term commitments: When you start to think about it, ten months is a long time. In fact, it is such a long time it can lead anyone to sit and mull over just how long it is. I think it is comparable to eternity, in the fact that there is a beginning and no end. Just think, in February there will still be four months left! I've left the door wide open for an entire world of change. No matter how long I stay here (unless it's my entire life and I don't see that happening) I will have to rebuild once I get back to the States. Thinking about that is enough to drown a man. Therefore the only cure is to get busy (Thank you, Dr. Hearn) doing stuff, and put home in the recesses of my memory for now.

2. Literature: I've read the Odyssey in the last four days and have started on Ulysses. I don't really know why I enjoy reading a book that's beyond my reach, but there is something about it that is hard to put down. Joyce is like a holstien cows jigsaw puzzle with no corner pieces. I'll end up throwing it across the room about page 300.

3. Bugs: Before I begin on the bugs (this is a really fascinating piece) I would like to say that I have seen blue skies today for the first time in three weeks. I was wondering why Enshi is always in perpetual cloudiness. But it has gone away, at least for a little while.

They have some crazy creatures here. A couple of days ago I saw a moth about the size of a bird that flew like a hummingbird. I watched it for a good twenty minutes before I remembered I had a camera, but, sadly, the batteries were dead. I had never seen anything like it before; it's probably nothing really special, but man, was it cool. Also, I was on my way up to my apartment a few nights ago when I heard something say in an Australian accent "Hey look up." I saw this:



Yes ladies and gentleman, that is a monster spider. The dead spider beside it is what most would consider "big". I said Australian because it is a spider that only the Crocodile Hunter (r.i.p.) would love. The reflection in the middle? Those are the spiders eyes. The spider was so big it had red eye. I'd say it is about a 14 inches from legtip to legtip (is that a word). But I don't think it's only native to China, because I saw something this big in Mrs. Franklin's house once (the one that crawled up the curtains while I was eating breakfast, yea I know you remember me telling you about it). Which is not only the truth, but a great segway into the tag line:
"I'll see you in the morning if nothing happens."

A mere confession

Is it sad that I already have a countdown? Somewhere around 295 days (assuming that I stay the whole length of my contract). I guess it's obvious that I'm not loving what I'm doing right now. At least the dislike comes and goes in waves. I do reserve the right to love it later on, but I don't see that happening. Everyone has been very encouraging though, and I appreciate that. The thing that kills me is that everyone who comes over here loves this place, and I have this everpresent fear that I am the one percent that don't. I was afraid of that before I left, and I hate to see my fears come to fruition. This could still go down as the worst decision of my life; an idea I thought would go away once I got here, but it has only gotten worse.

(ok people, I still remember the real reason I came here. I haven't forgotten. And I don't really need reminding. In case you couldn't tell, I'm not %100 right now. I feel about %15. Is it possible that I just don't have the personality for this kind of thing? )

Yesterday Haley and I went shopping at a brand new grocery store about a mile away. Three kids stuck by our side for about a half hour. I don't really understand why they did; because the entire time they were acting like we didn't know, or we couldn't tell, they were there. They didn't try to talk to us. They followed us like they were our kids. When we went to the cash register they left. Of course there were the standard gawkers, but the kids took the cake. I need to get busy doing something. It'll get better, and I hope to tell you when it does.

"I'll see you in the morning if nothing happens."

"Poor Tom's a-cold"

It has rained at least six of the twelve days that we have been in Enshi. I can remember seeing the sun only once and if that were not enough, it has gotten cold. The coldness has it's own life, you can never escape no matter how many layers you put on. It goes straight to your joints. It also defies the laws of natue: I'm pretty sure it's about sixty-five degrees outside. One day I will see the sun again, one day.

It's also extremely lonely over here. I'm starting to consider Bob Dylan and Tom Waits as some of my closest friends. Sometimes we play scrabble with the Beatles on Wednesday nights. Ha. If only it weren't true.

You ever slept to get away from the world? I hope not. I guess its a form of alcoholism. Although the consequences are a lot more beneficial. I wouldn't advise it though, it starts to become an addictive behavior. You know, it gets to a point where you can't go 24 hours without sleeping just a little. That is when you know you need help. No tagline today. I'm not feeling it.

I did it. I broke down and bought Nessun Dorma on itunes. RIP Pavarotti. I'm not going to pretend like I was ever a fan.

At six every morning I am awakend by the sounds of the Chinese national anthem followed by Swan Lake. It's beginning to wear on me. The music is so loud that it even comes through a closed window. Don't get me wrong, I dig the Chinese national anthem, it makes you proud to be Chinese. However, if I had a choice, I would prefer it not wake me up two hours before my alarm.

There are speakers all over campus that play random songs at the most random moments. Swan lake is one of them; the rest are Chinese pop songs. It reminds me a lot like Lipscomb, where you can never get away from the canned, uplifting music. Even in the summer, when no one is on campus and there is no reason for music to be playing.

Last night Nate (one of five Americans in Enshi) was looking behind my air conditioning unit and discovered this:

Yes, there is a hole about half a foot in diameter in my apartment wall that leads directly to the outside stairwell. I saw the hole a from the outside a few days ago and wondered where it went. Now I know.

And while were on photo high. Some of the biggest moths in the world live in Enshi. This monster was trying to get into my apartment a few nights ago:

It's really not that clear, but that is a BIG moth. You have to take my word for it. I thought about letting him in so I would have someone to talk to.

"I'll see you in the morning if nothing happens."

The problem with language

You know what I miss? You know what I miss more than anything? It's the ability to enter a gas station ask the attendant "How are you today" and have the attendant know what I was saying. I wouldn't even want an answer, just an acknowledgment that we were speaking the same language. I miss spoken communication, the power to have spoken communication with just about anyone. The power to speak without thinking "Will they know what I am trying to say?" That is what I miss. I miss talking to people, really talking to people. When I crashed a few days ago (which I did), it came to my realization that this, more than anything, is what kept me going in life. And travelling ripped it away.

The standard response is to learn the language, and I will. But, I really don't have a desire too. I don't know why. It's not me. Elitist racism? Maybe. I'm not ruling that out. I'm immersed in one of the friendliest cultures on earth. People will come out of nowhere just to say "Hello. How are you?" Just to see if it will really work. It has never been so easy to make friends. I really don't have to do much. Just go out in public. Learning some mandarin would make life so much easier (in fact it would be the polite thing to do). However, I would rather teach class, hold up in my apartment, surf the internet all day for the next ten months, and eat microwave romaine (sp?), than learn mandarin, go out in public, eat authentic food, and travel China when I have the chance.

(I'm sure someone out there is writhing on the floor) If I had to be honest with myself, as you can already tell, travelling is not my bag, baby. Never really has been. I don't want to say it's a waste of time. I can understand its merits. And I can understand why someone would enjoy it. For me, however, I stopped getting excited about such things when I was thirteen. I'm not saying my mentality is right (some of my favorite people love travelling) it just doesn't do much for me. And I think there is a better excuse than stoicism or laziness. The main reason for travelling I feel is to broaden your mindset, kill prejudice, maybe see some things some people will never see. Well I don't believe I have trouble with a narrow mentality on the world. Of course, I have some prejudice (like we all do) but it's not so bad that I think ethnic cleansing is good idea. And I don't see how seeing the cistine chapel will make me better individual. I just don't get this whole travelling thing (maybe this is how an autistic person feels).

If you travelled to every country in the world, learned every language in the world, and became accustomed to every culture world, would you be some sort of superhuman? No, to me you would be a person without a home. It's sophistry, I know, but I think it makes a point.

I've listened to the three songs I bought 46 times since yesterday. My laptop is back up and working (thank you Uncle Dave), and I now have my music. I was just asked to teach American film, tv and literature appreciation (hmm). And I just got a letter from America. It's getting better people, but sometimes I just want to talk to my friends.

"I'll see you in the morning if nothing happens"

I discovered how to change itunes' standard language from Mandarin to English. Watch out. I've already spent $2. The last twenty-four hours has brought about a flood of good news, for one the crispy state of my laptop hard drive is now no longer crispy: it's %100 ok to charge your laptop using Chinese outlets. So the fact that my laptop can't find the hard drive is, one word, weird. It still doesn't work (thought it might when I figure out just how to reseat the hard drive), but still it's not my fault!

In addition (awkward middle school transition which I have come to hate but use allll the time), teaching today went well. It went beyond well, it was almost fun. I really got in a groove for a couple of minutes and felt like my students were actually learning something. And then they told me that they covered "giving directions" last year. It was their final. I still feel good.

Random fact. The people next door own--of all the random things to own in China-- a parrot. It speaks English. Well, I know of one word: hello. But its pronunciation is impeccable. Almost perfect. Whenver I'm feeling down, I just remember that my neighbors have a pet that speaks my language, and I feel a little better.

No kidding, this is one really awesome hello. I wonder if he reads Joyce.

Well once again: "I'll see you in the morning if nothing happens."

There is a magical land where everyone speaks English and all the girls are six feet tall. And it is called: America. At least that was the mindset I had yesterday, and it still lingers. I'm coming off a low of very bad days, which has the be the worst culture shock that anyone in the world has ever experienced. I packed my bags (that's literal not figurative) and there still laying here beside my computer, patiently waiting for something (they're good bags). And I haven't unpacked them yet. I'm in limbo. Limbo John.

The worst part of teaching is by far the stares. First there is the "What the f*** is he talking about?", (which would be great if the thinking was in English, because then I could explain in English and they would understand. I have no idea how that translates into Chinese). Next, my personal favorite, is the "I'm bored as heck" (which probably originates from the "What the f***" and can you really blame them? I'm not a professional teacher and have had no training. And I'm pretty sure that I'm not expected to be a good teacher since I haven't really been told just what to teach. More on this later). Last is various renditions on "Oooooo, American", which has to be worst. I won't be modest: I'm a sex symbol over here. And (for those of you who have always wanted to be a sex symbol) it is not as cool as it sounds; in fact, it will drive you mad. I hope I never become famous. Everyone staring at you, every girl giggling, random people pointing and saying things you don't understand. All this derives from my nationality and my WAY above average height. What have a done to deserve it? Nothing and it has almost driven me mad.

I just read some classroom responses to the question "What would I change about myself". You can sum up sixty answers in about four sentences:
1. My english. It is too bad.
2. My happiness. I am not happy.
3. My height. I am short and fat.
4. My eyes. They are too small.

And here I almost left because my english was too good, I was happy someplace else, I'm too tall and, if I say so myself, I do have pretty eyes.

In the words of the immortal Mrs. Franklin: "I'll see you in the morning if nothing happens."

A rock and a hard place

Today will (hopefully) go down as one of the worst days in China. To make a long story short, it had to do with a dinner hosted by both the top official at my university and the man in charge of my China program. It was either get tipsy and offend a much needed ally or stay sober and offend my future coworkers (who were royally confused because I had some bajai three nights before).--Imagine it, ten Chinese trying to offer you hard liqour despite your protests because they think you are trying to be super polite, but your not. And then people start offering toasts and they ask you AGAIN to drink the stuff and you are forced for the ninth time in front a crowd of fifteen people to turn the stuff down, and almost raise your voice (which is a huge no-no) much less offer a return toast which is what you are supposed to do to get people to like you--I ended up spending the rest of my day laying on my bed wondering what in the hell I have gotten myself into. Trust me, if the trip back was any less than thirty million flights I'd be on my way home right now. But it isn't, and now I'm up til one planning my first day of class tomorrow. It really was a nightmare scenario. I should have seen it coming a mile away and faked sick. Oh well, at the very worst I for the next ten months I can teach my classes, hold up in my apartment, and eat romaine that I pay someone to buy for me. It's not a very fufilling life, but it's survival, and that is the number one priority when you offend people in high places.