The Food Post (Part 1)

The moment has arrived. You have waited weeks, possibly months, hopelessly clicking on the "refresh" button on the off chance that I might post it. You have sent a myriad of pleading emails, where you begged me to write it. You have missed work, funerals and family weddings so you could be on the internet when it finally happened. And now the moment is here: Jonathan's blog post on Chinese food.

Or one part of it.

Typing an entire post on food is quite an undertaken. That's one reason why I've taken my time in writing something about it. Believe it or not, Chinese food is a large part of the Chinese culture (and as the old joke goes, over here they call Chinese food simply "Food"), and there are several different settings and characteristics to write about. For the sake of my sanity, I will break the food post into three separate postings. For today, I will write the blog post on the mostly soul-sucking experience that is the formal Chinese dinner (not because of the food, just normally what transpires while everyone else is eating).

But before I type that, let me cover some basics. First, forget everything you know about Chinese food in America. "General Tso's Chicken" does not exist outside of America, neither do fortune cookies. The entire buffet style experience is an American invention, and, as you could guess, so are the sugar-loaded dishes that you will find on the the buffet. Most Chinese would hate Chinese food in America: it's too sweet and too saucy. Granted, there are a few dishes in China that are reminiscent of something you would find on an American buffet, but this is an exception to the rule.

Second, the Chinese LOVE rice. It's a staple of every meal. I was told at the beginning, to my extreme joy, that a strong man should eat seven to eight cups of rice at every sitting (this included me). Eat your heart out Robert Atkins.

Third, most Chinese food is extremely oily and extremely spicy, but this is not the same as saucy. There is a difference.

Fourth, boneless meat does not exist in China. The Chinese eat fish, pork and beef. I hate eating fish. Most of it looks pretty good until you bite into a piece and discover you choose some form of fish rib cage. Then you are faced with the predicament of pulling thirty tiny fish bones out of your mouth at a table of ten people without looking like a complete idiot. I don't mind pork and beef, but it is still annoying to stick a huge bone in your mouth, chew around it, and then spit it back out onto your plate. Because, and I didn't mention this, in China it's impolite to touch your food with your hands.

Fifth, I have not eat with a fork since I left America. Chopsticks are used at every meal. I have been given a spoon twice since being here. I would try eating with it, only to find myself subconsciously ditching the spoon for the chopsticks ten seconds later. I'm pretty much a master at using them. If you don't eat with chopsticks you will die from starvation. There is no choice in the matter.

Without further ado, the Chinese formal dinner. First I'll begin with the main course at every meal:

JUST KIDDING (ha ha ha; however, here is a funny little anecdote, take it what you will. After we had been in the country around three days, Haley asked our translator the infamous question: "Americans think that the Chinese eat dog. Is that true?"Our translator "Dog? Oh no no no no no."
Haley: "So what does it taste like? Our translator "Oh not very good at all." Actually if you're hip on history, you can probably guess where this is coming from. But I am here to tell you that no form of domesticated animal is on the menu in China).

Sorry, back on track: the Chinese formal dinner. At Chinese dinners, everyone sits around a circular table. On the table is a huge glass lazy susan. On the lazy susan are the dishes for the dinner. These dishes include several plates of cooked food, most being vegetables mixed with some form of pork, chicken or beef. In addition to these dishes, Chinese dinners include a "hotpot" which is a large metal pot placed upon an open flame cooker (reminds me of something you take camping). Inside the pot is a form of soup that includes lots of meat and vegetables. The hotpot is the main course. Here is a picture:

This is the aftermath of a Chinese dinner (I would have taken a picture before we started eating, but I had been snapping photos all night, it seemed rude at the time). But you can see the lazy susan, the dishes, and the hot pot in the middle. When eating at a Chinese dinner, you grab whatever you want to eat with your chopsticks and put it straight in your mouth or into your bowl--which is usually filled with rice, and then repeat. That's right, your double dipping with ten other people. But it hasn't killed me, yet.

Ahh yes, but I hear you asking (those of you who made it this far), "But Jonathan, what do you drink?" Ahh I am so glad you asked! BEER! BEER! (sometimes juice) AND MORE BEER (ok and baijia too)! Let me explain in depth.

In China, at the dinner setting, the Chinese have a tradition of toasting the hell out of everyone at the table. This tradition is called the Chinese Wine Culture, and I could live without it. The Chinese Wine Culture consists of toasting someone at the table and then drinking a glass full of beer or hard liquor; a formal drinking game if you will. If you had the right personality, you could excel by toasting everyone at the table four or five times while getting soused on your own weapon of choice. However, I prefer not to get soused in public and I usually find myself thinking "Gosh what if I forget to toast someone? Best not toast anybody at all," However, you offend everyone by not doing anything, so I offer one or two meager toasts and hope the dinner ends soon. The problem is the alcohol.

I am a man and in China alcohol is a machismo thing. The more you can put away the more manly you are, and the less you drink, well you know. So I am expected to love drinking beer and to love drinking lots of it. For starters, the taste of beer makes me wretch (esoteric FYI, PBR is the best you can buy, that should tell you something). In China, turning something down is considered extremely polite, and if you turn something down, chances are you really want it. You can imagine the confusion that ensues. Usually at these dinners it's just me and Haley, and since I am the American guy (women are not expected to drink) I bear the brunt of the alcoholic aggression.

And then there is the baijia. As mentioned earlier in the year (or when I began typing this post), the only hard liquor in China is rice wine or baijia. The good baijia averages at an amazing 50% alcohol content, and the good baijia is what appears at Chinese dinners. Whoaaa buddy. Baijia is what you are SUPPOSED to toast everyone with. The Chinese pass around beer (or juice for the ladies) out of politeness for the foreigners that don't want to end the night singing "Father Abraham" while jumping from chair to chair, and trying to kiss all the waitresses before finally giving up and screaming "LET'S GO TO THE KARAOKE BAR!!!" at the top of their lungs (didn't happen. You think I would be coming home early if it did?). So on top of the beer, this hard liquor also makes an appearance, making the awkward situation even more so. And well, everyone at the table wants to have a good time, so if you turn down the baijia, you ruin the fun for everyone, and pretty much the entire dinner.

With all this being said, the food is extremely, extremely good and inexpensive. It puts American restaurant food to shame. First of all, the food is fresh. I once asked for Chicken at one of these dinners and it took forty minutes for us to finally get our food. I asked why it took so long and the only response was "It's fresh." It took so long because they were actually KILLING THE CHICKEN! I love it. Good times. Also, it's cheaper than you would ever believe. The picture above with seven dishes and a hotpot cost around $15-20 American dollars. It could easily feed ten full grown men. Have you ever heard that fact that the majority of the world lives on less than one dollar a day? It's not because the rest of the world is suffering, it's because you dang Americans are paying way too much for food that doesn't cost very much at all. You think Wendy's isn't making a killing of the dollar value menu? And guess what? In China, it's even cheaper to cook for yourself! But yea, I guess what I'm trying to say is that the food in China is very good. Have a good day.

"I'll see you in the morning if nothing happens."

p.s. sorry about the random spacing and almost maddening lack of paragraph breaks. Blogger does not like it when you add pictures. I tried to fix it but nothing seems to work.