Well, about that whole Indian thing...

I have a funny story which may become muddled under the lingo, but I hope you in enjoy it. I was giving a lecture on Thanksgiving today in class; I know it has nothing to do with spoken English, but I ran out of things to teach the second week of October.

In the beginning, the Pilgrims left their country because of a certain kind of persecution. When the Pilgrims arrived in America, they met the Indians who taught them how to plant crops and grow food. Therefore, when the Pilgrims had an overabundance of food next Autumn, they invited the Indians over for a meal to thank them for being helpful. The Pilgrims called this meal "Thanksgiving". They called it this because they were a Certain People who were thankful to a Certain Person. The Pilgrims thought this was such a good idea, they decided to eat this meal every year in order to remember how this Certain Person helped them through their hard times.

Then someone asked a question (probably the third question that has been asked all semester):
"So do the Indians and the Pilgrims still do this today?"
"Umm, no Tina, no they don't."
"Why not?"
"Umm. They just don't."
"Why not?"
"Well because all the white people killed all the Indians."
"The Pilgrims killed the Indians?"
"No the Pilgrims did not kill the Indians."
"But if they were a Certain Kind of people why did they kill the Indians?"
"No the Pilgrims didn't kill the Indians. The Pilgrims were peaceful and the Indians were peaceful and they had a meal together," (keep in mind, the majority of my class doesn't know the word "Peaceful")
"But you said they killed the Indians."
"No I didn't. Later in history, much later, more white people came over from England and killed the Indians."
"So were these white people a Certain Kind of people?"
"Yes, wait no. Wait yes. I don't know."
"So if the Pilgrims were sick and dying when it was really cold, why didn't the Indians kill them then?"
"No, the Indians were peaceful; they didn't kill anyone. The Pilgrims were peaceful too. Nobody killed anybody. White people killed the Indians much later in history."
"So the Pilgrims had a certain meal thanking a Certain Person, and then they killed all the Indians?"
"Look WHITE PEOPLE are not Pilgrims (wait a second). Pilgrims are white, but they are not the people that killed the Indians. Other white people, who were not a Certain Kind of people (wait a second), killed the Indians much later. America was a very rich country, lots of money in the land. America had gold and silver, and white people wanted what the Indians considered their land. When the Indians fought back the White people had guns and the Indians didn't so they lost."

It's very simplified, but I'm talking on a third grade vocabulary here. Also, Chinese students are like sharks, when they smell blood they attack with unmerciful tenacity. No one asks questions in any of my classes, but the second I look vulnerable I'm like the President in a news conference. All my students starting asking questions.

"But you said the Indians were peaceful." Someone else said.
"Look they were peaceful in the beginning. There are lots of different Indians, some were peaceful some weren't. The pilgrims met peaceful Indians, and they had a meal together because everybody was peaceful."
"So all the white people killed the Indians and the Indians didn't fight back?"
"No the Indians fought back later, they even fought each other, they just didn't win because the white people had guns."
"So the Indians helped the Pilgrims grow food and then the Pilgrims killed the Indians?"
"No! Did I not just say they had a meal together? Did I not just say they were peaceful? The Indians helped them plant food and then the Pilgrims invited the Indians over as a way of saying thank you for helping them. No one killed anyone. It was peaceful. Nobody killed anybody!"
"So why didn't the government stop them?"
"Look there was no government, did I not just say they came to America because nobody was there? They came to America before anybody came to America, before it was a country."
"But you said they landed at the state of Massachusetts."
"It wasn't the state of Massachusetts then! It was just a piece of land! They landed at what is now the state of Massachusetts! They left their country for a piece of land that would later be called Massachusetts, on a piece of land that would later be called America! They left England for America because nobody was there!"
"But you said the Indians were there when the Pilgrims got there."
"Yes the Indians were there when the Pilgrims got there. The Pilgrims came to America because there were no white people in America."
"Do you hate Indians because you're white?"
"Look I don't hate Indians. I'm 1/32 Indian myself. It's not a great time in American history, ok, nobody is proud of it. The Indians now live on big pieces of land in the middle of nowhere. The point is, the Pilgrims came and they were peaceful. The Indians helped them and they were peaceful. They had a meal together giving thanks and they called it Thanksgiving. Nobody killed anybody!"
"So why don't they eat together today?"

Ugh. I hate teaching. Today I walked to the back of class to find, to my extreme horror, that a student was playing with a live turtle. I don't know if playing is the right word. The student had placed in on top of something so the turtle couldn't move. She was sadistically watching the turtle flail its legs and arms in a desperate, yet futile, attempt to get away. It was a form of entertainment for her, just like the archetypal spoiled child that never learns to respect animals (see "Finding Nemo"). Yes, I'm teaching college. What did I do about it? Absolutley nothing.

Because? I am one snide remark, one hateful glance, or one tortured animal away from going the book of Judges on one of my classes. When I lose it, I'm going to lose it big: I'm going to knock over a water cooler or a 100lb. lecturn or destroy a chair or some other form of primal aggression to remind my class that I am, in fact, three times bigger than any one in the room. It's been brewing in me for a long time. I just can't take it any more. I've tried talking over the class. I've tried teaching 50 students a subject I know nothing about. I've tried asking them to be quiet. They don't care, I don't care. So I might as well scare the bejuses out of them so I can teach the last four weeks in peace, and because I've been slowly losing my mind since I got here (I've resorted to fear of physical harm as a way of keeping order in a classroom? It's like I'm using the dark side of the force). At the very least I'll yell for ten mintues and then leave the classroom for the rest of the day. I really don't care; because what's the worst they can do? Fire me? (I've been living by that mantra for two months now).

Looking back on it, I should have learned their names (even though it's pretty difficult to learn the names of 140 girls that all look the same, especially when they change seats every time you make a new seating chart), so I could discipline them personally. It's too late for that now. I hope it doesn't happen, but I almost did it today, and I almost did it yesterday. And I never had a temper. What is happening to me?

Happy Thanksgiving!

"I'll see you in the morning if nothing happens."

p.s. Before today, everyone in my oldest class did not know the words: issue, especially, recieve, describe, influential, source, invent, aggressive, proud, conflict, excessive, narrow, difference, and physical.

Describe? They've been learning English for 5 years and they don't know the word describe?

p.s.s. What's that movie starring William H. Macy that we watched in Dr. Prill's class? The one where the professor begins the movie on the verge of getting tenure and ends the movie beating the snot out of one of his students? Ok, it's Oleanna. I knew all along. I feel like William H. Macy. Everything is getting to me: this life is taking years off my life.